Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It's shark week go big or go home
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
