i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
