I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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