Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
