Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
