Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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