Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
