i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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