Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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