felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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