MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
