The maid of honor just puked.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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