the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
