You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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