Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
