I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
