ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
