She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
