i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
