Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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