remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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