this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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