This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
