I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
