Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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