Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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