Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
