Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
