Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
