just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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