im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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