Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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