Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
