my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
