She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You ate ashes out of my bong
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
