my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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