First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
