I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
