I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
