Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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