Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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