I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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