That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
