Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
