This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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