wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
