My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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