Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
