Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
