There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
