after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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